


all of the above

by haechanbf



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Coming of Age, Confident Na Jaemin, Cute Mark Lee (NCT), Gay crisis, Lee Jeno is Dumb, M/M, Making Out, Recreational Drug Use, Self-Indulgent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-10
Updated: 2019-11-10
Packaged: 2021-01-26 08:24:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21371110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haechanbf/pseuds/haechanbf
Summary: i could kiss him.the thought hit mark like a truck. it scared him, but alone with jaemin, in the quiet and darkness of the night, mark embraced it. once the thought was there, there was nothing mark could do to get it to go away.i could kiss him, and he’d probably let me.
Relationships: Mark Lee/Na Jaemin
Comments: 12
Kudos: 142





	all of the above

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this because i have a crush on jaemin and wanna get crossfaded with him.
> 
> special thanks to my wife cherryjjk for editing.

there were nights when one could taste a certain electricity in the air. a certain spark of  _ something _ that was just the right amount of unfamiliar to be entrancing. nights like those one might find himself completely out of his element. they were nights like these that could change someone forever. nights like these when someone learned who they were.

mark’s eyes raked through the room for what had to be the hundredth time that night. at this point he had already counted at least seven separate fire hazards in his anxiety ridden head. spilled alcohol made the bottoms of his shoes stick to the floor with each step. there was an omnipresent cloud of smoke that hung around the house, leaving his mind hazy and his lungs tight.

there was no doubt in mark’s mind.

tonight was not one of those nights.

not yet.

**to jeno:** _i’m here_  
  


**to jeno:** _where are you?_  
  


**to jeno:** _hey_  
  


**to jeno:** _jeno what the fuck_

parties were not mark’s scene, a fact that typically went undisputed by his tight knit group of friends. jeno, however, had seemed to think otherwise, when he all but forced him to come to this one.   
  


_ “a little fun won’t kill you,”  _ he had said with a snort.   
  


mark, as offended as he might have been, because he had  _ plenty _ of fun, had only agreed to come out of the kindness of his heart.   
  


however, he could feel his kindness wearing thin with every minute that passed and jeno still hadn’t arrived.   
  


jeno and mark, unlike the majority of their friends, had finished their exams early and were free to party to their hearts’ contents. that, or whatever it was most college students did when they had the spare time. mark pointedly ignored the voice in his head telling him jeno had been right about needing to get out more.

five more minutes passed of awkwardly hugging the wall of whoever’s living room this was, watching while tipsy sophomores played beer pong and traded saliva. mark was ready to leave.

nothing quite like being alone at a party to crush one’s self esteem.   
  


with a heavy sigh, he made his way to the kitchen. he figured he’d at least get a drink out of the whole experience, regardless of how pathetic it seemed to get drunk all alone in some stranger’s kitchen. “ _ it wouldn’t be the first time, _ ” he rationalized with a sigh.   
  


the kitchen counter provided a very small selection of drinks. mark carefully regarded the large bowl, which most people seemed to be serving themselves drinks from. a napkin beside the bowl served as a makeshift label, the words “poison punch” scrawled out in the handwriting of what must have been a  _ very _ drunk person. one whiff of the dark concoction had him reaching into the cooler for a beer. it was definitely still too early in the night to be  _ that _ kind of drunk yet. maybe he’d come back to it later, depending on whether he still felt this shitty in an hour.

the can let out an audible sigh as he cracked it open, and mark leaned back against the countertop, trying his best to let some of the tension flow out of his body. he raised the drink to his lips for a large swig. the liquid was still lukewarm as it flooded his mouth, the bitter taste prominent on his tongue.

_ just my luck. _

mark continued to drink as he watched the rest of the partygoers happily stumble around– dancing, singing, drinking, and playing games, and he couldn’t help but envy them for being so carefree.

_ typical mark _ , always in his head. renjun would’ve scolded him if he were there.

maybe if he were, mark wouldn’t feel quite so lonely.

to his own surprise, he really had been looking forward to this party. he was awkward at these things, yes, but the chance to spend time with jeno (something that had been hard to come by during exam season) was worth looking forward to. his friends always helped him lighten up– something he needed now more than ever with the one glaring dilemma that was currently weighing down on his mind. he’d thought at first that finishing exams would help him stop stressing out so much, but instead, freedom from the distraction of his studies only seemed to provide space for the problem to grow inside his mind. he needed to talk to jeno. and it wasn’t looking like a conversation he could have sober.

mark tossed the empty can into the trash, deciding that it was time to leave. the party seemed to be just picking up as more people stumbled their way through the low lights and into the kitchen for drinks, and mark definitely was not interested in seeing the after effects of all that poison punch.   
  


he was just about out the door when he heard a familiar voice drifting above the crowd, calling something that sounded suspiciously close to  _ “hey, mark.” _

he froze. of course.  _ of course _ he was here.   
  


mark turned around slowly, as if the smoke and darkness were weighing down his actions the same way they were his thoughts, and was greeted by none other than na jaemin.

he was dressed nicely, like usual, with a button down shirt and his hair pushed back to show his forehead. mark almost felt self conscious in his old hoodie with the name of his highschool printed across the front, his own hair still wet from the shower he had taken earlier.

jaemin greeted mark warmly, eyes shining with mischief and cat-like smile as wide as ever.

mark’s mind flashed back to renjun referring to him as  _ ‘the suspiciously hot guy in mark’s chemistry class,’ _ and honestly, he couldn’t disagree with the description. jaemin was the type of person who was quiet, but always seemed to be saying something if you looked to his eyes. everyone seemed to know him (some of the girls in their chemistry class seemed particularly familiar with him); however, he could rarely be spotted in public alongside anyone but his two best friends. na jaemin was the human embodiment of duality. mark thought he was the most down to earth genius he had ever met. people either loved him or hated him, but the boy himself couldn’t seem to care less, bright white smile never absent from his face. he was confident, handsome, really good at chemistry, and for whatever reason, seemed to have taken some sort of interest in mark.

it had started with asking for a pen. then it was sharing notes, study sessions, and even jaemin bringing him coffee once when they had an early morning class because he  _ ‘just wanted to say thank you,’ _ for helping out.

na jaemin was a mystery. and nothing intrigued mark more.

“i didn’t know you would be here!” his blinding smile faltered for a quick moment as he glanced between mark and the door. “leaving so soon?”   
  


mark’s phone vibrated in his hand.

**from jeno:** _MRAK IMSO SORY REJNNS FORCNG MET O HELPHKM STDDY_  
  


**from jeno:** _pls don’t be mad_

**from jeno: ** _ also he says you can come over if u want _

mark shoved his phone back into his pocket, meeting jaemin’s eyes.

“actually, i just got here,” he offered a smile.

it wasn’t often mark was surprised by his own words but now was definitely one of those times as he asked himself what had possessed him to say  _ that _ of all things.

“i was hoping you’d say that.” jaemin grinned back. mark had noticed that jaemin’s eyes almost always seemed to be shining. it were as if he could see into mark’s thoughts, intrigued by whatever it was he saw. “come meet my friends.”

***

jaemin’s friends, mark quickly realized, were a handful. chenle and jisung (“chenji!” “no, jichen!”) were two of the most overwhelming freshmen he’d ever met. 

chenle had a sharp laugh that cut through the music with ease, and jisung was a mischievous thing, with eyes like a snake. the two of them made for a unique duo indeed, and mark found himself getting lost in their constant back and forth banter. they were pranksters, sinners, and all around mischief makers– their voices and eyes alight with an amount of energy mark could not remember ever having. jaemin seemed to come alive alongside the two, doting heavily on them as they passed more than one cup of that poison punch back and forth.

mark let his mind wander. chenle and jisung, chensung, he decided, were fun– a good distraction from the thoughts that had been plaguing his mind as of late. that was, they would’ve been if not for jaemin’s presence.

if mark was quite honest, jaemin scared him– made him question himself in ways he never had before. mark wasn’t dense, regardless of how much jeno and renjun seemed to think he was. he had been startled by the boy’s lingering gazes during study sessions along with the gentle touches he left on mark’s arms and thighs whenever he found something particularly funny. at this point, he’d picked up on them one too many times to not know jaemin was interested. mark had been surprised at first, never having considered that jaemin could be attracted to men  _ as well as _ women, but as time went on, it only became more clear. he was polite, always being respectful of mark’s boundaries, but he definitely wasn’t too subtle either. 

and mark was flattered, truly. there was something about a boy as popular and charismatic as jaemin being interested in him that did wonders for his confidence. the problem was that he couldn’t for the life of him figure out what he was supposed to do about it. to date, mark had never felt attraction towards a boy, however jaemin really wasn’t like any boy he’d ever met, either. for what had to be the hundredth time that night, mark wished his friends were with him. as dumb as they were, between jeno’s heterosexuality and renjun’s...lack thereof, the three of them surely would’ve figured this whole thing out.

the more time the two had spent together, the harder it became to deny the warmth that bloomed in the pit of his stomach whenever jaemin let his palms linger on his thighs after a good joke, or winked at him cheekily when they parted ways. college was a time for experimenting, right? that wasn’t morally wrong; everybody did it. it wasn’t like jaemin was in love with him or anything. at least, that’s definitely not what it seemed like from mark’s perspective. jaemin was notorious for what seemed like an incapability to foster romantic feelings, much to his many suitors’ disappointments. most likely, he just thought mark looked like a good time. jaemin was curious. and mark would be a damn liar if he said he wasn’t too.

mark was pulled out of his thoughts by jaemin’s voice full of laughter as he told the younger boys beside him that it was time for them to go home. the two looked like they were on the verge of falling asleep, mumbling incoherently to each other and giggling about god knows what. they complained weakly, pushing at jaemin’s chest as he pulled them up one by one and called an uber off of chenle’s phone.

once they had been led out with jaemin’s,  _ “goodnight, dumbasses,” _ mark was faced quite suddenly with the realization that the two of them were alone.

“-told those idiots to stay away from that punch,” mark heard jaemin mumble under his breath.

mark turned towards him hesitantly.

“hey,” jaemin began, seeming to notice the sudden tension in the air, “are you alright?”

“huh? what do you mean?”

“well you kinda spaced out on us,” his voice was quiet and mark struggled to hear him over the deafening bass from whatever unidentifiable song was currently echoing through the house. 

mark took in the way the blue and purple lights reflected off of jaemin’s one long, silver earring. that was definitely new. jaemin looked innocent. soft. and so awfully, dangerously tempting.

mark watched as the boy smiled that same perfect smile, watching him.

_ yeah, dangerous for sure. _

“oh, yeah,” mark rubbed his palm against the back of his neck, wincing at the realization of just how sweaty it was, “just thinking.”

“wanna talk about it?”

_ not with you. _

“i...don’t think i know where to start.”

it was funny how jaemin always seemed to make him say pretty much the opposite of what he was thinking.

jaemin looked mark up and down, considering him. mark did his best not to shift around too much under the intensity of his gaze. he watched as the corners of jaemin’s lips lazily pulled up into a casual grin.

“i’ve got just the thing,” his hand travelled to his back pocket, pulling out a plastic bag of something mark couldn’t quite identify under the low lighting and a-  _ a lighter? _

mark felt his fingers tingle at his sides, a mixture of anxiety and excitement creeping through his veins.

_ weed? _

he’d figured his first time getting high, if  _ ever _ , would be in the company of his friends, on one of their increasingly obscure outings– not at some party where he hardly knew anyone, alongside a very attractive acquaintance from his chemistry class. everything was slowly becoming more and more muddled in mark’s busy head. he needed to go outside.

jaemin flicked his lighter, seemingly reading mark’s thoughts.

“what do you say we go get some fresh air?”

“i’d like that.”

***

jaemin had nice hands– a fact that mark realized while watching him roll up a blunt, facing out towards the yard on the back porch of a house that he still for the life of him did not know the owner of.

the calm night air seemed to embrace mark, warm against his face. it was like you could smell summer approaching if you inhaled deep enough. mark’s head felt clear, the once deafening music muted by the walls of the house. looking up at the stars, he felt grounded for the first time in a while.

his attention was pulled from the stars by a few soft clicks, then a sudden brightness illuminating jaemin’s face in the dark as he lit the end of his joint. mark took the chance to look at him, really  _ look _ at him, under the flickering light. he was all strong eyebrows, pulled taught with concentration, soft looking hair, and a dangerously sharp jawline. without warning, the light was gone as the unmistakable scent of weed filled mark’s nose. that same easy smile spread across jaemin’s face as he admired his work. triumphant.

_ i could kiss him. _

the thought hit mark like a truck. it scared him, but alone with jaemin, in the quiet and darkness of the night, mark embraced it. once the thought was there, there was nothing mark could do to get it to go away.

_ i could kiss him, and he’d probably let me. _

jaemin pulled the object to his lips, taking a long hit. after holding the smoke in for a few quick seconds, he turned to mark, exhaling smoothly.

mark watched the smoke pour out, long tendrils curling up beautifully around the two of them.

_ i could kiss him, and i’d probably like it. _

with a small offering gesture, jaemin passed off the joint to mark, who took it hesitantly, holding it delicately between his pointer finger and thumb. jaemin watched mark’s every move– expectant.

mark took a short draw, not quite knowing what to do with himself, but wanting to try anyways. he let the smoke sit in his mouth for only a quick moment before blowing it up into the night sky.

jaemin gave a small laugh, and it wasn’t mean. it was comforting, endeared.

mark’s face felt warm, but so did the pit of his stomach.

“first time? it’s okay. you don’t have to be so timid, you know.” jaemin’s voice was gentle and had just the tiniest bit of roughness to it, like he was trying to catch his breath. “hold it in a bit longer next time. here, i’ll show you.” 

he took the joint from between mark’s fingers, drawing it back to his lips for another hit, this time looking pointedly at the boy as he held the smoke in his lungs. he exhaled a steady stream into the dark. “you try,” jaemin tapped off the ash on the end before passing it back.

mark took a deep breath in and out before trying again. shaky hands raised in front of his lips as he inhaled deeply. jaemin gave him an encouraging thumbs up as he held it in for as long as he could. before long, the smoke turned rough against his lungs, forcing its way out through a quick succession of smoke filled coughs.

jaemin clapped a hand against mark’s back with a pleased look on his face.

“there you go! you’re getting it.”

mark could not only feel something like pride blooming in his chest, but something like fire burning down his back starting where jaemin had touched him.

_ kiss him. _

mark gave a sheepish smile, thankful for the darkness surrounding them, and therefore saving him from having to look jaemin in the eye. “your turn.”

***

“you seem to be doing better,” jaemin broke the silence that had settled over the two, eyes dragging up and down to take in mark’s current state.

“i am better.”

it was the truth. mark definitely  _ felt _ better. with every exhale of smoke it was like his worries were floating away, caressing mark’s cheeks and tangling into jaemin’s hair before escaping further up, up, and up into the night.

_ am i high? _

he didn’t  _ feel  _ high, just good. and warm. and like jaemin was really, really pretty. not like a girl either, jaemin seemed to fall in his own unique category of pretty. it was like mark’s mind had finally shut up long enough for him to take in the fine details in his facial expressions and the way he spoke that made the boy so enticing. and almost as easily as the thought had reached him, it was floating away into the night with another steady exhale.

he was really starting to get the hang of the whole smoking thing.

“so are you ready to talk, then?”

for a moment he had almost forgotten that they had come out there to talk. mark considered him carefully.

_ am i? _

he chose to start with baby steps, leaning his elbows against the wooden railing, and watching jaemin send up smoke into the night sky.

“i need advice.”

_ receive, inhale. pass, exhale. test the waters. _

“ _ you _ need advice? perfectly capable mark lee?” he smiled. teasing. mark watched as he took another long drag. “you’re done with class, so what’s up? girl troubles?”

_ funny. _

“something like that.”

“ah,” he got quiet, looking mark up and down, taking him in for what had to be the hundredth time that night. suddenly, in a soft voice, “boy troubles, then?”

and there it was.

jaemin was careful, regarding mark as one would a frightened animal. his facial expression seemed to say,  _ “you can trust me; i’m not going to hurt you.”  _ mark really wanted to run away. mark really wanted to kiss him.

mark shifted under the sincerity of jaemin’s gaze, somehow not surprised at how he could see right through him. there really was something about those eyes.

“got any experience with that?”

a soft smile.

jaemin hummed fondly, looking out towards the yard as if he were remembering something, and then with a bittersweet tone to his voice, “i’ve had my share.”

another spell of silence fell over the two.

“so this guy,” jaemin began, “what’s the problem? he straight or something?”

the way the moon shone across the surface of jaemin’s face was nothing short of magical.

“i don’t think so, no.”

mark’s took the joint back and his fingers tingled where they had touched jaemin’s. they had a good rhythm going.

“is he dating someone?”

mark stifled a laugh.

“he’s not really the dating type.”

jaemin stared out at the night. he hesitated for a quick moment before asking, “is that a problem for you?”

“not at all.”

“so what  _ is _ the problem then?”

mark could feel his heart speed up as he did everything in his power to not look over at jaemin.

“a few things,” he ran a hand through his hair. nervous habit. “i’ve never actually...you know? never even really considered it before now.”

“you mean with a guy?” jaemin spoke with a smile, as if he had found the innocence of mark’s confession to be cute.

“yeah,” he breathed it out like some deep secret he’d been holding in.

jaemin was quiet for a while, seemingly deep in thought. and then, “does it scare you?”

“a little bit, yeah. but i still want- i still-” mark trailed off to take another long hit. “i just wish i knew what he wanted from me.”

silence fell over them.

“have you tried asking?”

mark could feel his face growing warmer as he heard jaemin turn to look at him.

“i’m not sure how. i don’t even know what it is  _ i _ want. or why i think he has the answer. i’m just..really curious.” his words spilled out rushed and careless. it was almost as if he had forgotten who he was talking to for a second. he turned to face jaemin.

“i’m sure he won’t mind.”

and there was that smile again. he knew, he absolutely knew. behind him the moon shone fiercely, the light from it fanning around his head like some sort of halo.

naturally. it was na jaemin, after all.

“you think so?” mark was starting to feel hazy again, but not in the bad way like before. his skin buzzed with anticipation. “i really don’t know what i’m doing.”

“some people find that exciting,” he paused, hesitating for a moment. “i find that exciting.”

mark laughed softly. “of course you do.”

jaemin reached out, grabbing mark’s wrist and pulling it up. mark figured he was going to take the blunt back, but watched as he instead brought the hand, mark’s hand, to his face. he could only look on, awestruck, as jaemin took a long hit, doing everything in his power not to think about how he could feel the warmth radiating off of jaemin’s skin.

jaemin exhaled and mark just watched, absolutely mesmerized. he didn’t even realize jaemin had let go of his wrist, his hand still hovering there as he stared.

for the first time since mark had met him, the boy seemed to get flustered, looking away bashfully. mark thought the red rising up the back of his neck looked awfully nice.

“so is he here?”

“who?” mark took a moment before he snapped out of his daze. “oh, the guy?”

“yeah, him.” jaemin turned back towards mark and it was like he had never faltered, his confident aura now back in full force.

“i might’ve seen him around. why do you ask?” it was all a game at this point; the truth hung painfully obvious in the air between them. jaemin had always struck him as the type to toy with his prey. mark didn’t mind that.

“i’m just curious is all.”

“are you now?”

“yeah, i can’t help but wonder,” he spoke slowly and with intent, “because if he’s inside, then what are you doing out here with me?”

“who said he was inside?”

it happened very fast after that. first, jaemin was stepping towards mark, closing the already small gap that had stood between them. he stared into mark’s eyes with this look of  _ something _ mark still didn’t know how to place. fuck if he didn’t like the way it made him feel inside though.

“what’s he doing outside on a night like this?”

mark smiled and jaemin winked back at him.

_ fuck it. _

mark was kissing him before the conscious thought had fully crossed his mind.

jaemin’s lips were soft against mark’s, because why  _ wouldn’t _ they be, and he smelled like weed and some deep cologne.  _ ‘pine,’ _ mark thought absentmindedly. it took mere moments before jaemin was kissing mark back, the latter breathing out a sigh of relief.

“finally,” mark heard and felt jaemin mumble against his own mouth.

jaemin’s hands moved with intention, one to the back of mark’s neck and another to his waist, squeezing gently, grounding mark in the moment, in case he might float away.

mark’s hands went to jaemin’s shoulders. they were firmer and broader than he was used to, but mark found himself appreciating the way he didn’t have to lean down to kiss him. in a way, mark actually felt kinda small as he let jaemin pull him closer by the waist. he couldn’t say he hated the feeling.

before long, the lack of oxygen caught up with the two and reluctantly, with burning lungs, they pulled away. aside from the distant frogs and the echoes of music from inside the house, only the sounds of heavy breathing could be heard as the pair desperately tried to catch their breaths.

up close, mark could see how jaemin’s pupils had gone wide, his face a pretty shade of red. a quick touch to his own burning cheek told him he was probably no better off himself.

“sorry for not like, asking, or anything. i just really wanted to kiss you.” mark did his best to piece together a coherent apology with the limited air in his chest and only half of his brain cells currently functioning.

jaemin stayed quiet and mark watched, entranced, as his tongue darted out to lick his lips.

“you’re the guy by the way. in case you couldn’t tell. or something.” mark wanted to hit himself for being so awkward.  _ obviously _ jaemin was the guy. they had literally  _ just _ established that.

jaemin only laughed, putting both hands back on mark’s waist. mark decided he liked them there, nervously biting his lip and meeting jaemin’s eyes again.

“you’re,” jaemin paused, still giggling softly, “you’re really cute.”

while normally, mark probably would’ve felt patronized, something about the way jaemin was holding onto him made him feel nothing but warm.

“thank you.”

jaemin smiled at him and mark was one hundred percent ready for jaemin to kiss him again except he didn’t. instead, he tightened his grip, lifting mark off the ground and placing him carefully on the railing he’d just been leaning on.

somehow between jaemin’s fingers the short blunt remained, still burning hot, as he let mark take a hit straight from his hand.

“can i kiss you again?” mark asked almost shyly, wrapping his arms around jaemin’s neck.

jaemin moved closer, taking a hit of his own before resting his palm on mark’s thigh. the other went straight to mark’s chin, guiding his head to just the right angle.

“you don’t need to ask, babe.”

mark didn’t even have time to be flustered at jaemin’s sudden use of the pet name before he was being kissed again, this time much more intense, as jaemin tugged at his bottom lip. mark didn’t hesitate to open up for him, wrapping his legs around the younger boy’s waist in the process.

kissing a boy, mark realized, was simultaneously exactly the same and worlds apart from what he was used to. jaemin’s lips were soft, but his movements were assertive, making mark feel like putty in his hands.

mark was immediately grateful for the change of position when he was faced with the feeling of jaemin’s tongue sliding against his own, his knees immediately weak. mark pushed back with vigour, his hands preoccupied with ruining jaemin’s hair and wrinkling the fabric of his shirt.

when he felt jaemin sucking on his tongue, mark had no choice but to pull away again, too flustered to breathe correctly through his nose.

when the two separated, a thin strand of saliva hung between them and they both just stared, heavy eyes blinking slowly as it broke.

mark wondered if he was weird for finding it so hot.

“so what do you think?” jaemin asked while catching his breath.

“huh?” mark felt like he was missing something. “about what?”

jaemin rubbed his thumb over the corner of mark’s mouth.

“you think you might like boys?”

mark sighed almost dreamily looking back at jaemin.

“i don’t know, why don’t you tell me,” he asked before pulling jaemin in by his collar and kissing him again.

there was no doubt mark was starting to feel at least a little bit of a high, although he couldn’t tell if it was the alcohol, the weed, or the way jaemin was smiling at him. 

probably all of the above.

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> [twitter+](https://twitter.com/duckiesbf)


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